Basking in the warmth of her spirit...

Tap images to enlarge

Allison often joked that: "She was the curator of friendship..." and on Sunday afternoon at the gathering of three hundred or more of her students, friends and family who gathered to celebrate her too short... but wonderful life... that description seemed ever so obvious and appropriate.

The setting for the event... The Ivy Restaurant and Resort was chosen by her mother Joan because Allie so enjoyed the combined ambiance... food and closeness to the River and The Thousand Islands which she knew intimately and loved so dearly. Even the unusual presence of the muggy heat wave  added an additional surreal and unexpected flavor which further set the mood for this special event.

The intimate evening of sharing revealed and interfaced the many facets of Allie's academic and personal lives. It seemed that the gathering knitted together the lives of so many seamlessly of all of those attending into a tapestry of love... humility and thankfulness. Each of us departed with a better understanding and the immensity of our good fortune to have walked that short distance in her company.

While all of us as Allison's family were abundantly familiar and aware of her generous spirit and her unbridled and often irreverent sense of humour... few us (including myself) outside of  her academic circle of peers and colleagues fully understood the respect and prestige that her academic world  held her in. Allison rarely spoke of her accomplishments, preferring to minimize recognition and singling out. It was her "work" and her students that mattered most to her.

I believe that the quality of her person which meant the most to me...  that I will sorely miss most... was her unique ability to blend her vast gift of intellect and her sense of inner child. She never ceased to value nor to display that child openly and proudly. It was that difference that set her aside in the hearts of all who met her... and came to love her.

Here is a gift that Allison presented me with in September of 2008. Little could either of us known how closely the course of the theme of the book by Professor Randy Pausch would run parallel to  Allison's own journey in 2017. Perhaps... at that specific moment, the Universe offered a glimpse into her future. I could entertain that thought...

Her other gift along with that book... were the words she chose to pen to me on the fly page within.
Today... those words...

"Leadeth me beside still waters... and help to restore my soul."

Thank you dearest Jemima... "I" love "You" Forever!...  and I shall honour my promise to live for you

Dad
XXXXXOOOOOXXXXX

"I see your face... in all the old familiar places..."

God speed!

Taking Back Joy

:

"As we get older we define happiness less in terms of excitement and more in terms of peacefulness."
                                                   -page 103 "Option B" by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant

I find this statement to apply to all facets of my life. Though I have always needed to experience solitude throughout my life and actively sought it out through my plein air painting experiences, I find now that noise and the chaos of crowds is actually painful to me. More and more, I retreat from the din and avoid having to attend parties and gatherings where I can't filter out conversation from noise.

My evening walks are more than for the sake of exercise. They primarily allow me to gather my thoughts... organize my ideas and to look without interruption. In a passage I have always favored from "another wonderful guide book:

"He leadeth me beside still waters... and it restoreth my soul."

It is when I am on these walks that I encounter "signs" (to me at least) of  Allison's renewed presence in my life...  manifest in the simple blessings of Nature and life that we shared together. Hand feeding chickadees... netting butterflies... capturing preserve sealers of twinkling August fireflies. All such perceived simple blessings weave us together into a tapestry of complete Peace and Joy.

                 "Peace is joy at rest and joy is peace on its feet." (Reverend Veronica Goines)

This personal perception of my continued connection to Allison might cause many to scoff... equating this to denial at best, or worse... delusion. But no matter the skeptics' views... "She" remains firmly embedded in my consciousness in a fashion that offers Hope in lieu of despair on a daily basis.

I have accepted that her spirit has left its physical vessel. Her presence now exists only in memories we each carry of her. But that spirit and energy which belonged to her alone and defined her continues to manifest itself in ways that only we shared... and understood.

I choose to take back Joy... and to pass it forward through my thoughts and actions to honor her... and my Self. Art and painting are the cement and underpinnings of our separate life's work. Hers was  achieved through research and scholarship. Mine through a combination of art history and fine art. Both shared a common passion and pivotal centre - Venice.

"La Serenissime" - the  Molo in Venezia - oil on canvas 36 x 36 inches

Forever serene!

Love you Jemima 

Dad

XXXXXOOOOOXXXXX

Mindfulness... Gratefulness and Responsiveness

My post today embraces lingering feelings and thoughts that emerged within me during of my most recent plein air experience. I returned to the field in search of a quiet retreat from the noisy tourist traffic and constant bus traffic in the village.. and the incessant growl of whining jet skis and motorcraft out on the river.

It required little more than a few words of encouragement from my painting friend Paul Taylor from Rochester, NY to pack up our gear to seek out a site where we could escape the din and enjoy some plein air painting. I suggested a short twenty minute jaunt to the sleepy backwater hamlet of Lyndhurst... a place where I knew there was lots of painting material that would interest us both.

Paul chose a site up on the road which runs across the three span stone bridge spanning the Lyndhurst Creek. Constructed in 1856-7, it is the oldest existing bridge in Ontario and still functions in linking Lyndhurst to the neighbouring communities of Delta and Lansdowne. I set up just below the bridge on the shore of the pond looking westward towards the United Church.

My painting was to become a smallish vertical 10 x 8 inch sketch on panel which began poorly due to my agitated state. I could not get my right hand to "behave" in its usual way. It simply couldn't settle down to business and permit me to draw... as is my usual approach to establishing a beginning.

Rather than continuing to fight against the problem... which I knew would persist, I chose to shift my approach from mapping my beginning... to massing. I built form out of massed colour blocks to shape composition. I then took a walk away from the resulting colour patchwork to gain some space to think... relax and recalibrate before stepping back to the painting to finish.

I decided to add only minimal detail and to survey the whole thoroughly to ensure that I hadn't missed necessary information. I simply looked for the remainder of the session while Paul finished up. I decided to complete the few remaining licks needed to finish... away from the site back at the studio from memory. No camera reference!

Mindfulness... is the act of bringing one's attention to experiences occurring totally in the present moment. The plein air painting approach maximizes the opportunity and the atmosphere most conducive to encourage this state.

Gratefulness... is the combination of many blessings that I realize and appreciate more than ever in my life since Allison's tragic passing. I am grateful for the treasured memories of Yesterdays which remain protected forever in my heart. I am mindfully grateful... for the Today that I have been given to enjoy and share with my friends and family that I love. Finally... I am grateful for the gift of being able to dream and envision a Tomorrow... and hopefully... to be given the time to actualize it.

Responsiveness... The culmination of Yesterday's plein air adventure was this small oil sketch. Though surely imperfect... it mirrors  a small, but significant insight into the journey that I have begun to establish a "new normal". It was executed out of physical necessity, using an alternate response to solving the problem of commencing a painting on location.

Electing to navigate one's daily life and solve daily problems incorporating these principles enhances the opportunities for success... and joy. Are they such hard to achieve objectives????

I wonder...

Good Painting to ALL!!! ... and Rich blessings!

                            " A Lazy August Morning in Lyndhurst" - oil on panel 10 x 8 inches

                                 "A journey of one thousand miles begins with a single step."
                                         - from the Tao Te Ching ascribed to Laozi

August... on my mind

This still life symbolizes a blend of summer which encapsulates memories of both my parents. My Dad's awakened tastes for ripened summer fruit and corn is paired with my Mom's penchant for equally colourful and fragrant roadside flowers.

The card "Keep Smilin" was pinned to a cork board in his basement "Inner Sanctum" retreat. It is now tacked to my own cork board facing this computer space where I retreat to to think and write.

In 2015 we were blessed to share this festive weekend with Joan and Allison here in Rockport.We were optimistic as Allie passed the halfway marker in her chemotherapy that she would emerge healthy and victorious over this dreaded cancer that threatened her life.

August is once again ... on my mind. But in a whole new fashion. Allie has joined Mom and Dad. Who could have believed????....

But today my memories of her are added to theirs. All I can do is continue to believe in her miracle... and to serve them with Faith and Courage. I paint... I feel and I dig deeply to continue my journey for each of them.

"He who has a Why to live for can bear almost any How."  - Friedrich Neitzche

Happy Birthday Mom and Dad... I love you FOREVER Jemima Puddle Duck!

God bless the three of you! I love each of you forever.

Till we meet again...


"He leadeth me beside still  waters... and fields of ripening hay" It restoreth my soul.

"God's Green Acres" -  recent plein air oil on canvas 10x14 inches

Alone... Together

Strange "couple" here in this title. But they do in fact best describe both my state of mind at times... and my connection to Allison. This Yin and Yang pairing perhaps create a better understanding of the complex dynamics of grief and loss... and also the process whereby one navigates this "new normal".

There is no setting aside the deeply embedded yearning for her presence... nor are there any words to sufficiently describe or soften the ongoing grief that we who loved her so dearly feel because of her absence. But paradoxically, within the state of aloneness that grief creates there also exists an opposing and unexpected feeling of togetherness.

My painting serves today as it always has in my life as something that I pursue with joy and passion. It is the rudder and the compass of my ship. Art conjoined Allie and I during our entire lives... and even in death's company... Art draws us strangely ever together in spirit and purpose.

Shown below is a smallish plein air sketch completed during this past week. It was completed on site in less than two hours and lifted my spirits greatly.

"Summer Psalm" - oil on canvas 10 x 12 inches

And for my own purposes at this moment...  I can "see" Beyond.

I love Jemima Puddle Duck... forever!

Dad

XXXXXOOOOOXXXXX

Good Painting !... to ALL... and rich blessings.

The Great Divide... or... the Space in Between

Prelude to Acceptance and Recovery

I have anguished for a lengthy period of time about continuing to post... for a number of  strong personal reasons. Allison's sudden passing has certainly been one of them, but I can't let that in itself become a driver in my decision.

Posting here on my blog has always provided me a strong motivation to connect with other like-minded artists who share my passion to express our feelings and ideas in paint. Giving that up would be depriving myself of that valuable opportunity to share my voice and connection with  those who share my path.

I intend to hopefully examine and discuss my attempts to create and pursue a "new normal" for my life in the face of the huge void and upset that Allison's passing has created within my daily life. Strangely enough, this new state of daily living somewhat follows the old path,... even though I know and totally accept that the "old normal" forever slipped away into the obscurity of a place that I am yet unable to travel to... along with my lovely daughter Allison' s physical being and presence.

At this moment, I propose continuing to post choosing to select "sunnier" memories of Allie. I hope to show how they might reflect and support a clear view of a kind of cross-pollination of my current healing and painting processes that I have discovered and am exploring.

All voyages into the unknown involve dealing with a cauldron of strong and potentially caustic personal emotions within... of sadness, fear, doubt and distrust. Think of man's first attempts to step out beyond what was known on land in a small vessel out into the vastness of an ocean... not knowing what lay ahead and without charted knowledge and experience to guide you.

Deep personal grief is exactly akin to that. I can now readily relate to the overwhelming sense of disorientation and fear that accompanies deep loss... that moment when what you knew and experienced as "normal" life disappears in a single instant from view and beyond physical reach. A common expression of compassion offered by many who came to me to add words of comfort or express their own disbelief offered was "There are no words". And that is indeed the fullest truth.

Selecting a Pathway to Recovery... and a "New" Normal

During my entire lifetime I have recognized the value and significant role of Nature... painting and music in establishing a feeling of harmony and peaceful accord. They inter mesh to help form a creative web upon which I have always been able to "rise out of the ashes" of the discord that lately, seem to exist more and more... everywhere in life. It is these three significant gifts or guideposts that I believe can light my pathway towards... that "new normal" I seek to exist in.

My therapist/social worker suggested in our session yesterday that I very much needed to actualize my own well-being and healing by trying to learn not to assume responsibility for the health and well-being of everyone else around me. She gave me "a "homework" task to choose two definable and achievable activities based purely upon my own enjoyment that I could easily conduct and would focus upon this self-supporting goal.

I replied almost without hesitation... "Yes... painting en plein air for a day. I haven't done so since late February when I was in the Barbados on location for the day at Hunte's Gardens". After some thought I added a second task. "I will attempt not to contact or check in with any of my (now grown) children during that same week of change". Now to follow through...

First Steps

After reading the prelude, I'm sure that all of you can figure my primary intent in choosing the title for the post. It most certainly pertains to the great and incomprehensible void in which each member of our family has been sadly thrust. However, I intend something else as well that perhaps puts a more positive "spin" on the title's intended meaning.

While I was in the midst of trying to find my footing (and a worthy subject) for my first major painting to begin that creative recovery, I sat alone in our gallery for an afternoon staring around the collection of landscapes that I had created without the burden of sadness... worry or grief. I felt strangely calm as my eye passed along the walls from one to another.

While doing so, I began trying to select "favourites"... though I rarely ever have any. I suddenly realized that I was basing my attempts upon the comments that had come most recently from visitors as they walked about our gallery space for the first time.

I believe that the common denominator which drew both the viewer and me, the artist to think "good thoughts" and to feel a common familiarity with each piece was the simple fact that the physical space between the artist's eye and the actual subject (physical place) was decreased to such a degree... that both shared a more equal perspective from which to find a common feeling of joy.

The greater that feeling of shared verisimilitude and joy... the greater the likelihood that the viewer "might" actually become the owner. My title then speaks to the artist's ability to cross that great divide that separates "the ordinary" from the "soul grabber". That space unites the spirit of the artist... the viewer to the subject. As artists... let us all dream... to be different. Let us at the same time... serve our Selves!

In grieving... one cannot physically cross the "Great Divide". However... we can in spirit adopt/choose a pathway which incorporates Faith... Hope and Trust in something... or Some One... or even our Selves.which may beyond mortal planes and understanding. I choose that pathway of Hope rather than cynicism and despair... a pathway that embraces a belief that the vastness of this Universe contains opportunities, and even miracles we can neither imagine or yet understand.

Let us continue to believe in... and paint only that which brings us joy.

                              "Summer Siesta in the Islands" - oil on birch panel 24 x 30 inches

"There just aren't enough words"... so I'll simply let the painting speak to your heart... as it may!

Good Painting... and rich blessings to ALL!

Life... in the "BIG Onion"

Allison standing before one of her favourite paintings "The Adoration of the Magi" by Paolo Veronese. (c 1580) This is truly... the real... "Shock and Awe"

Wednesday, June 14th

Strange... this emotional state of  grief. Hard to describe. Hard to understand. Hard to cope with and mostly...  hard to forget at this stage beyond mere minutes. Sometimes... "like fog on kitty cat feet", it creeps up on you." At other times, it seems to totally swallow you like an avalanche or tsunami. Its cause is always obvious. How to climb out of its grasp safely is not.

Took a necessary break here in the composition of this post... just plain... outta steam!

Friday, May 26th marked the first month anniversary for Allie's passing. Though I readily recognized the fact and placed it on my calendar, I truthfully felt less of the destructive side effects that I had faced almost hourly in those first part of the month. The "missing" remains of course and in its full intensity. At some points in my day, I even feel guilty that my grief has even lessened so soon after her death.

There is no magical passageway to bypass grief... except to pass through it.  I can liken my own ongoing process of passage through my grieving to the common act of peeling an onion. The first cut releases an overwhelmingly punishing attack on the eyes (depending on the size and variety of the onion) and triggers uncontrollable and even painful floods of tears. These emotional responses must be endured and some people even look to strategies like cutting it under water in the sink to diminish its effects. But for most of us, we simply endure and carry on until gradually... our tears and the painful experience diminish and subside to become a distant memory.

The "big onion" metaphor can be further extended to describe how grief must likewise be pared or peeled away in layers until we get to the heart of the loss and can better understand the overall implications and realities which will allow us to create a new "normal" to replace the old one which has disappeared forever. It is only then that the seeds of new hope... meaning in life... happiness and a new life of joy can be planted and begin to flourish to enable one to create a new life without the departed member or loss suffered.

I am certainly still peeling... and reeling over Allison's tragic death. I still have a long way to go before I can finally find and fully enjoy that peace I seek. But my own journey is underway... independent of everyone else involved. I accept that Allie has gone and will not return. I accept that her spirit and energy have left this physical and frail existence that we call earthly life. In better terms, I also realize and am thankful that her long suffering is over. I am deeply saddened ... even angered that I must accept that her dreams... good works and personal possibilities have ceased at the same time.... except

That she pleaded with her Mom, her brother and I that we continue to live out our time in her honor to enable her spirit and work be continued despite her premature passing. I have promised/committed to make that so for as long as I have the time and energy to carry forward the gifts that she left with me.

I have plunged myself into the act and process of recovery, first by reading a marvelous guide/handbook by Bob Deits entitled "Life After Loss". I most heartily recommend it to anyone suffering any type of loss in the full spectrum of loss possibilities arising out of situations arising from death, financial, marital, or health issues. All qualify as losses that likely require professional support, counselling and considerable time to bring about closure.

I have made arrangements through my personal physician for counselling and am currently on a waiting list... which is why the book came first. I am as well researching a subject in preparation to get back to my painting. Painting for me has always been meditative and necessary to my overall well-being. Some ideas are presently floating about.... so stay tuned...

 I would like to end this post with a piece of art... not mine... but one brought to me by a young woman, "Meenie" (allie's word) for Maureen... who was so influenced by the two year old Allie that she was moved to make this wonderfully tender objet d'art/tribute that she delivered to me here in Rockport when she learned of Allie's passing. Allison would have loved this tribute so. It speaks of the plain and simple manner of Maureen... blended with a sensitive creative heart. It's price-less... to me for it captures in the simple eye of a child... the very essence of life that enjoined Allie and I since she was born!

The small "stone angel" portrait is simply titled: "Bruce and Allie... 1982." Doesn't it say everything???

Father's Day 2017 has been particularly difficult for me. This year marks the unexpected departure on a day where our family generally comes together... at least by mail or on the telephone. All of my children "checked in"... making the day more bearable  and less painful for me. I feel deeply blessed for this gift of love from each of the other four.

This is the face of a Venetian card made for glass bead work on handmade venetian paper that I received from Allie last Father's Day. This was the message of hope and love that accompanied it au verso. She always sent such a personal card in appearance... always accompanied by inspiring and uplifting words. Last year's card and message to me form the very foundation of my spiritual journey and strength. I owe that largely to her and my other children.

Is "She" gone???... NEVER!... for I carry her in my heart until I too reach the other side.

This is a small cast pewter amulet that Allison asked me to carry... and I did so throughout her valiant and courageous struggle against breast cancer. Do I [still] believe in miracles? Yes I do!

Allison was that miracle in my life... and for many others that she met and served in her too brief existence.

"I" love "You" ... FOREVER Jemima Puddle Duck!!

XXXXXOOOOOXXXXX

Dad

Life was good!

In closing out today's [too] lengthy Father's Day post, I wish to offer each of my other four children my thanks and rich blessings of Happiness ... Health... Peace and Joy in your own journeys! I love you all dearly... and equally for your unique contributions to my life and Happiness.

Love ALWAYS!

Dad

XXXXXOOOOOXXXXX